Luis’ List of Things To Look Out For in a Girlfriend

(or LLOTTLOFIAG, for short)

Below is my previously super-secret list of qualities to look for in a girlfriend. Since I have

given up dating, I believe that this, like the previously top-secret research about the atomic bomb, may now be disseminated throughout the public domain with little consequence.

1. Above Average Intelligence

This is the most important quality for me, and it unfortunately makes my pool of potentials that much smaller. (Please don’t interpret that as a sexist remark, I believe there are a lot of stupid males out there too; of course, what concerns me is the stupid females, but i guess that goes without saying.) If you want numbers, an IQ of at least 110. I know that that sounds a bit restrictive, but I’m quite sure I wouldn’t be happy with a girlfriend with an IQ of a truck driver, so there.

If you’re wondering how in the world I can ascertain a girl’s IQ, I carry a simple 4-question test from MENSA in my wallet at all times.

2. Low to Below Average Volume Levels

This is a good way to curb #1, because a lot of the smart girls I met initially were, shall we say, “loud whining bitches,” which I found annoying to say the least. I’m always wary about girls that can’t stop talking because I feel like they’ll suddenly just pass out on the floor at any minute, and I will be expected to drag their loud whining bitch asses to the hospital. I read somewhere that a girl’s average number of spoken-words-per-day is about 10,000, while a guy’s is about a third of that. 10,000 words is enough to code all of Highfiber’s PHP modules for God’s sake.

Also, soft-spoken girls have the added bonus of being very easy to introduce to your parents … as opposed to a “loud whining bitch”, of course.

3. Humorous

That is, “having a sense of humor”, and NOT “having a humorous appearance”. I go for Wit rather than Slapstick in the humor department. I’m especially into racist and other forms of mean, politically-incorrect humor, but I draw the line at girls who actually prefer Guy Humor. I’d like that she could take a few raunchy jokes here and there without being offended, but as soon as she hunkers down and laughs about cock smoking with my friends, I’m outta there.

4. Sweet like Country-Style Maple Syrup

This is beginning to sound like a lonely hearts column, so I won’t dwell on this quality too much. All the humor and wit in the world won’t matter if you aren’t cuddle-able, so there.

5. Knows What Works

This is the only quality that has something to do with appearance. I like girls that know how to look nice in context. For example, I don’t go for girls who go to school with a lot of make-up on because I don’t really think it’s appropriate. I also don’t like girls who try to wear tight clothes when they’re tubby. It’s all about what makes you look good and what is appropriate for the situation and above all, knowing the difference between Too little, Too much, and Just Plain Wrong.

6. Isn’t a Debate-Whore

This is another quality that I notice among smart and/or humorous girls. They tend to second-guess you at every opportunity, probably due to some insane, overpowering need to remind you of their smart and/or humorous personality. See, once I have made certain that a girl meets requirement #1, I no longer need to be reminded of that fact, especially Not Every Goddamned Minute for chrissakes.

Even small things like, if this particular episode of Friends has been aired before or not, becomes a subject of extreme dispute. I happen to feel very strongly about this quality, because I’m the sort of person who will not get into an argument unless I absolutely have to. Instead, I will be driven mad by the idea that I could’ve won that argument if I had tried, except I didn’t. Because I’m a loser.

7. Not Afraid to Experiment

You can interpret this one any way you want.

8. Loyal Like a Puppy

I’m really big on loyalty and fidelity, for personal reasons, and I expect the same from a girlfriend. People show loyalty in different ways and it’s hard to really categorically say if a person is loyal or not. A girlfriend who can happily spend hours on end talking to other guys about their life or their job or how wide she can spread her legs, would make me really suspicious, to say the least. I don’t believe in blind loyalty however. Use your head, by all means. It’s a relationship, not a marriage.

9. Doesn’t need big musckles

This is more of a cosmetic requirement. You only need 1 muscle to please a woman anyway.

… Well, 2, counting your tongue.

10. Appreciates the Details

This is the last requirement, and it’s coincidentally something I look for in friends as well. I don’t like people who live life in fast-forward, whose only definitions of success are where you’ve been and what you’ve done and who you know. There is so much beauty and humor and silliness in everyday life that a lot of people never stop to appreciate, and I find that to be a real waste. All you have to do is walk around and look.

To any girl who fits _all_ of these qualities, you’re too late, sorry. Maybe in another lifetime. In the meantime, you may amuse yourself with http://www.highfiber.org/staff.php?id=18. A poor substitute, I know, but at least he’s got bigote.

Cool articles from The New Scientist:

Penis grown in lab! Eunuchs rejoice!

Proper shoelacing according to combinatorial mathematics. Yes, I really needed to know this.

Two kickass links today:

Nominees for the Literary Review’s Bad Sex Prize 2002. Excerpts from some of the most bizarrely-written sex scenes of the year.

Menacing images from artist Robert Gligorov. This gives me the creeps actually, but it’s good, good stuff from an artistic standpoint.

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