luis is a co-founder and social software architect at SyndeoLabs, and a director at Exist Global. he likes building small web toys a whole lot. More ...

quick links to the good stuff

  • 25 First Dates 25 May 2009
  • True Crime: Confessions of a Criminal Mastermind 17 Feb 2009
  • Finding Your Soul Mate: A Statistical Analysis 27 Jan 2009
  • Sex and Schrodinger's Cat 07 January 2009
  • An Extended Rant on Heroes 26 September 2008
  • Zero Barrier 05 May 2008
  • Sweatshop Blogging Economics 08 April 2008
  • The Doomsday Singularity 25 February 2008
  • Piracy and Its Impact on Philippine Music 21 January 2008
  • The Manila Pen-etration by the Hotelier Antonio Trillanes 29 November 2007
  • Journey of a Thousand Heroes 17 December 2006
  • Shake, Rattle & LOL 30 December 2005

    elsewhere online

    • Last.FM
    • Del.icio.us
    • Flickr
    • Plurk
    • Multiply
    • Stumbleupon

    guttervomit

    • 9

      The Mechanics of Kissing: Thoughts on Sucking, Nuzzling, Frenching and other forms of Osculation

      3 Feb 2009

      The topic of kissing has been coming up a lot over the past week or so, and seeing as it’s going to be V-Day soon, I thought now would be a good time to compile some thoughts on the matter. Let me preface the rest of this piece by saying that this is all highly opinionated, and thus should not be construed to be the end-all, be-all on this subject. (Because I’m sure some of you have a tendency to read obscure blogs on the Internet and assume that they’re gospel.)

      Kissing can be a heavily subjective act, and what may be great for one person may be really dull for another. On the other hand, adhering to some rough guidelines never hurts, even if it is from some complete stranger online. Also please note that this article is going to be raunchier than most of my usual stuff. If you cringe at words like “lick,” “suck,” “swallow” or “masticate,” you may want to steer clear.

      **PERSONAL OPINION STARTS HERE**

      The main secret to kissing is understanding the fundamental difference between men and women. I don’t profess to understand all of our myriad gender differences, but I think I get it when it comes to osculation (the scientific term for kissing, in case you didn’t pick up on that earlier). For guys, kissing is generally the first step towards sex, hence the use of “bases” to denote how far you’ve gone with a girl. (We’d lose track otherwise.) Droll sports analogies aside, this is an important consideration if you’re a female because it’s usually rare that a guy will just sit there and kiss you for hours without expecting to hit a home run at some point.

      It’s different for girls though. Instead of being merely a stepping stone, kissing is symbolic of the act of sex itself. If you’re kissing a girl and the only thing going through your mind is, “Can I put my hand on her boob yet” then it’s possible that you’re disconnecting with your partner a little bit. Generally speaking, although a guy will still sleep a girl who happens to really suck at kissing, the reverse is not true.

      Gustav Klimt's The Kiss

      So what does it actually mean, to be symbolic of sex? Well, a couple of things. Firstly, it usually means “Don’t lead with your tongue.” Or your open mouth, either. Starting off small and slow allows you to gauge your partner’s movements without committing the epic blunder of sticking your tongue up her nostril. Just doing a couple of evaluative kisses where your mouths are both mostly closed can be really helpful in the long run. Unfortunately, there’s no “conventional wisdom” as to how long these initial, exploratory kisses are supposed to last. My own rule of thumb is usually about 3-5 seconds, or about the length of time it takes to figure out whether her bra unclasps on the front or the back. (I kid, I kid.)

      Seriously though, 5 seconds should be enough, unless you’re both really new at this. Any longer and you’ll end up slowing down instead of speeding up. So after the first 5 seconds, you’re usually faced with a great deal of possible strategies. If this is your first time to kiss this person, and they haven’t broken it off after 5-10 seconds, you’re usually good for the next 30-60 at least. It’d be smart to have a general idea of how to fill all that airtime.

      A lot of guys forget that kissing isn’t just about what’s going on between your respective mouths; it’s your entire bodies. And by bodies, I really mean hair. Girls seem to love having their hair stroked while kissing, something that I will never totally get. (I personally don’t prefer it, coz my hair gets tangled up easily.) Of course, don’t stroke her hair the entire time you’re kissing; you’re not her stylist. Also, don’t mess it up too much either.

      Unfortunately, there’s no guy-version of the above advice for the ladies. I suppose that if you were a girl, and you wanted to signal the transition to a more serious kiss after the 5-second mark, you could mash your boobs against the guy’s chest. Or you could throw your arms around his neck. Or you could squeeze his ass. Ultimately it doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you don’t stop. Guys are simple that way.

      Moving your hands or shifting your weight is usually a good way to signal that the kiss is about to get deeper. You want to maneuver both yourself and your partner into a position where you can do some serious liplocking. The most common strategy is to shift both your faces and your bodies slightly to your right so you don’t knock each other’s noses out of alignment with your coupling.

      • *SMALL SIDE RANT*
        One of the reasons I am opposed to left-hand-drive cars is because of the shifting-to-the-right kissing strategy. This is a lot more difficult to do when you’re seated to the left of your partner. You have to contend with seatbelts and headrests and the fact that your right arm is encumbered by your own weight, and it’s all very inconvenient. For some reason, shifting to the left while kissing just isn’t natural, as observed in this Nature article. Couple that with the fact that the first kiss very commonly occurs on the drive home, and you can see how this little engineering goof can present problems.
        *END SIDE RANT*

      The most ideal scenario is when you can accomplish three things either simultaneously or in quick succession. Shift your respective head/body positions, stroke her hair/neck, then move in for a deeper kiss. (Obviously, it has to happen smoothly in order for this transition to have any kind of impact. Also, perhaps not as obviously, if you have to think first before doing this, it’s going to appear a little weird.) Either partner can take control of the situation in order to accomplish this; usually, the hornier one often does.

      Now that you’ve got your noses out of the way, the question of whether to french will inevitably pop up. I guess it’s self-evident why guys are naturally fans of frenching, but hell I’ll spell it out anyway: it’s coz they’re imagining their penises in their partners’ vaginas.

      With that in mind, my answer to the frenching question is usually, “No, not until you feel the girl’s tongue moving first.” This isn’t just to be polite either; it signals that you’ve got some measure of self-control, and are thus, cool. Of course, if your partner isn’t budging then you might want to take a stab, in case they’re shy. An alternative strategy to frenching, if you’re wondering what to do while you wait for that female member (haha), is to do a lower-lip nibble. That is, you nibble on their lower lip. I’m not sure why lots of girls turn out to be fans of this kind of kiss. My theory is that it feels like you’re trying to eat them up, them being so delicious and all. (Again, don’t spend all your time doing just this; you’ll look hungry.)

      Now when you finally get to the french (or the “soul kiss,” in some circles), it’s important to remember that what makes it hot is the reciprocity. The idea is to take turns exploring each other’s cavities. Think bi-directional, not uni-. Also, don’t just leave your mouth open like you’re going to the dentist. When your partner’s tongue is in there, you should be working it. Precisely how you work it depends on a variety of factors, the primary one being how long her tongue is. You could suck a long tongue, nibble a medium one, or touch a really short tongue with the tip of yours.

      Another thing that you might consider doing is opening your eyes while you kiss. I usually do this out of necessity anyway (to make sure our stuff hasn’t been stolen, to spot cops or gawkers, or to check the status of my downloads), but I think you will find that it makes for a more intimate experience when you can stare into each others’ eyes as you connect. (Granted, a lot of people find this weird, so YMMV.)

      After a few minutes of this, one of you should be ready to either make a move or wind it down. I’m not going to cover “making a move” in this piece because it’s outside of scope, but I will share some thoughts on winding it down.

      The tricky thing about ending a kiss is that it usually means disappointing someone. If you’ve made it to the french, then chances are this will happen again, and the idea is to convey to the disappointed party that there will be a next time. (If you’re sure there won’t be, then you can skip the rest of this paragraph.) A decent way to do this would be to first loosen your stranglehold around the other person’s neck or waist, retract your tongue, and just slow down the whole pace of the kiss. Now here’s the tricky part: you want to speed it up again, but not so much that you’re back in the french. Just enough to impart that you enjoyed yourself, and would love to do it again sometime. Then ratchet it down, and break it off the same way you started, with some slow, small, closed-mouth kisses.

      If you do it right, you’ll be frenching again in no time. (And ideally, more, but that’s a subject for another day. Or a different blog altogether.)

      Although I’m analyzing osculation rather clinically in this piece, the most important thing you need to take away is that it needs to come off as natural. I’ve broken or done the opposite of every bit of advice on this page, and barring inexperience, it was usually during times when I was so into it that I forgot myself. This is a good thing, like being In The Zone. More often than not though, keeping some rough guidelines in mind allow you to avoid becoming an embarrassing aside on someone’s private LJ.

      So that’s it. Good luck with your V-Day dates everyone!

      I’m single, btw.

      9 Responses to “The Mechanics of Kissing: Thoughts on Sucking, Nuzzling, Frenching and other forms of Osculation”

      1. Lizz Says:
        February 3rd, 2009 at 12:33 pm

        The “Soul Kiss”? What the ef?

      2. Blog Link - Guttervomit: The Mechanics of Kissing « Accidental Art Says:
        February 3rd, 2009 at 12:49 pm

        [...] Blog Link - Guttervomit: The Mechanics of Kissing Jump to Comments There has not been much activity going on in this blog, so I’m sure this comes as a shock. Heck, even I’m a little dazed. But I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to share Luis’ take on osculation, or what us common folk refer to as Kissing. [...]

      3. heidelicious Says:
        February 3rd, 2009 at 1:09 pm

        is it just me or does this blog post turn you on, too? LOL. single here, too! :p

      4. Helga Says:
        February 3rd, 2009 at 5:38 pm

        Lizz, apparently, the “soul kiss” is when you kiss the man (or woman) and feel not just the kiss but the emotion and the ~person~ behind the kiss (or lips).

        I used the word “kiss” four times in one sentence. Wow.

      5. Luna Says:
        February 3rd, 2009 at 6:47 pm

        This is the strangest personal ad I’ve ever seen :P

      6. benhur Says:
        February 5th, 2009 at 1:28 pm

        3 more posts where luis talks about kisses and soulmates, i’ll officially call him, dr. love.

      7. How To Tongue Kiss Says:
        February 5th, 2009 at 10:20 pm

        [...] Guttervomit [...]

      8. davidrice Says:
        March 4th, 2009 at 12:14 pm

        effin loser.

      9. East Says:
        August 4th, 2009 at 1:42 pm

        single here, too!

      Leave a Reply

     

    categories

    • Home
    • Business (42)
      • Acquisitions (15)
      • Goin' Legit (61)
    • Media (53)
      • Artwork (13)
      • Books (22)
      • Comics (9)
      • Movies (142)
      • Music (102)
      • Photography (33)
      • Poker (10)
      • TV (30)
    • Randomness (301)
    • Site News (8)
    • Technology (69)
      • Games (14)
      • Hardware (113)
      • Social Software (45)
      • Software (131)
    • Tutorials (16)

    archives

    • April 2011
    • March 2011
    • February 2011
    • January 2011
    • August 2010
    • May 2010
    • April 2010
    • February 2010
    • January 2010
    • December 2009
    • November 2009
    • October 2009
    • September 2009
    • August 2009
    • July 2009
    • June 2009
    • May 2009
    • April 2009
    • March 2009
    • February 2009
    • January 2009
    • December 2008
    • November 2008
    • October 2008
    • September 2008
    • August 2008
    • July 2008
    • June 2008
    • May 2008
    • April 2008
    • March 2008
    • February 2008
    • January 2008
    • December 2007
    • November 2007
    • October 2007
    • September 2007
    • August 2007
    • July 2007
    • June 2007
    • May 2007
    • April 2007
    • March 2007
    • February 2007
    • January 2007
    • December 2006
    • November 2006
    • October 2006
    • September 2006
    • August 2006
    • July 2006
    • June 2006
    • May 2006
    • April 2006
    • March 2006
    • February 2006
    • January 2006
    • December 2005
    • November 2005
    • October 2005
    • September 2005
    • August 2005
    • July 2005
    • June 2005
    • May 2005
    • April 2005
    • March 2005
    • February 2005
    • January 2005
    • December 2004
    • November 2004
    • October 2004
    • September 2004
    • August 2004
    • July 2004
    • June 2004
    • May 2004
    • April 2004
    • March 2004
    • February 2004
    • January 2004
    • December 2003
    • November 2003
    • October 2003
    • September 2003
    • August 2003
    • July 2003
    • June 2003
    • May 2003
    • April 2003
    • March 2003
    • February 2003
    • January 2003
    • December 2002
    • November 2002
    • October 2002
    • September 2002
    • July 2002
    • May 2002
    • April 2002
    • February 2002
    • January 2002
    • December 2001
    • November 2001
    • October 2001

    friends

    • Dementia
    • Gabby
    • Gail
    • Gibbs
    • Helga
    • Ia
    • Ina
    • Jason
    • Kaye
    • Lauren
    • Lizz
    • Luna
    • Mae
    • Migs
    • Mike
    • Ryan
    • Sacha
    • Vicky
    • Vida
    • Yuga

    search

    notes

    Guttervomit v3 went online in January, 2008. It uses Wordpress for publishing, and was built largely with Adobe Illustrator and Textmate. Logotype and navigation is set with Interstate.