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    guttervomit

    • 5

      Fun With Superman

      1 Jul 2006

      Cinematical has a really fun post that talks about all the various plotholes and inconsistencies in the recent Superman Returns. Some of the stuff they mention could be easily explained away by a bit of comic-geekery, but there are a few that bug the living crap out of me, namely:

      Bullets bounce right off Superman. We all know that. But they also
      bounce off of his costume. It never tears and we see that on the roof
      sequence. However, Lex is able to stab right through it?

      [ ... ] why was it so easy for the doctors in the hospital to rip of supermans costume?

      I really have no answer to this. I’m assuming that Superman’s costume is actually an alien symbiote that leeches off the Kryptonian’s strength to make itself invulnerable … but that’s just me.

      And some more:

      Superconception: If the Superhump that went down in Superman 2
      is the one that created the new kid, then the kid shouldn’t have any
      powers at all — since Supes and Lois did the horizontal fortress-dance
      while our hero was completely without powers. And anyway, since
      Superman ended up deleting Lane’s memory of the Supertryst, she’d have
      no way of knowing that the kid belongs to Superstud in the first place.

      My personal thoughts on the super-hump: Superman lost his powers briefly in Superman 2, and promptly had his way with lady Lois. His body is actually "recreated" here, making him completely human. Now I’m of the opinion that this was the one and only time that Lois and Supes got together, because human and kryptonian DNA could never combine to have offspring … even in a badly explained comic-based movie. So the one time that Superman gets some, he doesn’t remember to wear a rubber and ends up getting Lois pregnant.

      Here’s the flaw in the theory though: if he was completely human at the point of insemination, how could super-kid have those latent super-abilities? Guess the transformation wasn’t as complete as the movie made it sound, huh?

      And some existentialist thoughts on the whole Superman/Clark Kent dichotomy: 

      My big beef with the Clark Kent thing is that it even exists. How many
      people DIE every day because Superman is writing bylines and gutter
      copy??

      Isn’t it high time they killed "Clark"? 

      Hear, hear. Clark Kent has been in Metropolis for God knows how long, and he still doesn’t have any friends (at least, none that bother to look at him long enough to realize that he’s the spitting image of a certain well-known superhero). There was this interesting writeup some years ago about the difference between Superman and the other alter-ego-type superheroes (Batman, Spidey, etc). Whereas Batman and Spidey hide their true identities to protect the people that are close to them, Superman’s true identity is … well, Superman. It’s "Clark Kent" that is the facade, not the other way around, and while it was stylistically fun to have a mild-mannered journalist transform into an all-powerful demi-god back in the 50’s, the Kent identity doesn’t really serve much of a purpose anymore these days. (They did away with Clark Kent in the comics already I believe; whether or not the movie version will catch up remains to be seen though.)

      5 Responses to “Fun With Superman”

      1. Aphid Says:
        July 1st, 2006 at 8:04 pm

        the explanation to the costume not tearing (useless stuff stuff you learn from subscribing to wizard):

        Superman emits an aura that surrounds and pretty much makes his tights as invulnrable as he, it doesn’t envelop his cape as much thats why it tears (this ofcourse is just a nice excuse to keep Superman fully clothed after nuclear blasts). When he powered down, so did the aura thats why Lex was able to stab through it & the doctors were able to rip his clothes open.

        And the world is a better place

      2. Michael 3: 16 Says:
        July 4th, 2006 at 7:06 am

        >Bullets bounce right off Superman. We all know that. But they also bounce off of his costume. It never tears and we see that on the roof sequence. However, Lex is able to stab right through it?

        I’ll assume that the costume is something from his space pod and not woven by his Momma. Since the costume is from Krypton, the radiation from the kryptonite dagger overcame the Kryptonian technology inherent in the blue and red costume.

        >Superconception: If the Superhump that went down in Superman 2 is the one that created the new kid, then the kid shouldn’t have any powers at all — since Supes and Lois did the horizontal fortress-dance while our hero was completely without powers. And anyway, since Superman ended up deleting Lane’s memory of the Supertryst, she’d have no way of knowing that the kid belongs to Superstud in the first place.

        Kal-El likely super-fucked Lois another time/s afterwards.

      3. Gail Says:
        July 12th, 2006 at 11:40 am

        ok… so that “solves” the “man of STEEL” mystery. Must have been fuckin’ hard LOL.

        Another mind-boggler though…If the SuperScrew without SuperRubber happened in Superman 2, then Lois would have had 9 months of pregnancy. She’d have a SuperBelly after three months or less. But no. So where did the kid go in the succeeding years (heck, even months)? He can’t have just spurted out of the ground can he? ah. loopholes :D

      4. muffin Says:
        July 16th, 2006 at 11:35 pm

        >>Kal-El likely super-fucked Lois another time/s afterwards.

        ehehe, i don’t think that would be possible. have you read “the pro” by garth ennis? where superman’s parody “the saint’s” ejacutale clips a wing of an airliner and sends it crashing down to earth? another version of the theory is on frank miller’s dk2, where superman and wonderwoman concieves a child. when his daughter asked about sex, superman casually replies “not with terrans, they are too fragile”. :)

      5. Michael 3: 16 Says:
        July 29th, 2006 at 12:04 am

        >>>Kal-El likely super-fucked Lois another time/s afterwards.

        >ehehe, i don’t think that would be possible. have you read “the pro” by garth ennis? where superman’s parody “the saint’s” ejacutale clips a wing of an airliner and sends it crashing down to earth? another version of the theory is on frank miller’s dk2, where superman and wonderwoman concieves a child. when his daughter asked about sex, superman casually replies “not with terrans, they are too fragile”. :)

        Yeah I read the Pro. It was available on HiFi years ago, maybe still today. I even have all 3 issues of The Dark Knight Strikes Again. Brody Bruce (Jason Lee) and T.S. (Jeremy or Jason London, one of them) had a discussion about this on the film Mallrats. Brody said it’d be like a shotgun to her back. Maybe Kal-El pinched his super-birdie to minimize the velocity of his super-jizz.

      Leave a Reply

     

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    Guttervomit v3 went online in January, 2008. It uses Wordpress for publishing, and was built largely with Adobe Illustrator and Textmate. Logotype and navigation is set with Interstate.