There is something deeply, deeply retarded about Michael Bay’s The Island, and like anything that’s retarded, it’s phenomenally fun to watch.
This is a sci-fi film set firmly in the ADD-stricken MTV territory of the year 2015: not five minutes go by without having a sharply-lit, low-angle, slow-motion shot of someone walking through smoke with the sun flaring behind them (preferably with helicopter blades spinning in the background). And in an effort, I suppose, to avoid confusing his audience, Bay’s movie is peppered with references to their favorite things, e.g., Puma shoes, XBoxes, Nokia cell phones, Aquafina Sparkling Water, Calvin Klein, Budweiser, Apple, Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream and MSN (which, btw, still can’t search for shit 10 years into the future).
Apart from its penchant for Microsoft branding, The Island is a glossy paradise full of plotholes and unnatural dialogue. Consider how every one of the hapless residents at the facility are tracked and watched, and yet, when Ewan McGregor’s Lincoln character decides to start exploring in the middle of the night, he makes it all the way into a whole other part of the facility without setting off any alarms. (You’d think that this high-tech center would at least have alarms on their door-locks after lights-out.)
And what exactly is the point of forcing the residents to "watch their proximity", when each one of them has had their sexuality suppressed at the genetic level? (My theory is that they just added that part in to incite the anger of your average hormonal teenager. "No sex?!?" they’ll exclaim. "Those heartless bastards!!!")
I suppose what depresses me the most is how annoyingly inept everyone in this movie has to be, in order for our two naive escapee clones to survive. The mercenaries hired to track them down (who use HP Tablet PCs!), led by a confused-looking Djimon Hounsou, are the worst of the bunch. Not only do they shoot and kill the wrong Lincoln (apparently the arsenal that they travel around with doesn’t include any tranq darts), but they don’t even think to frisk Scarlett Johansson for weapons when they finally capture her. (Again, there are no walk-through metal detectors at the facility, so anyone can just come in with a concealed gun and shoot everyone dead.)
I must admit that I had a lot of fun watching this nutty movie, although I doubt that uproarious laughter was the reaction Michael Bay was really shooting for.