I guess a lot of you know by now that Chronicles of Riddick sucked eggs, but it cost a lot to make and I suppose it’s only right to give it a good and proper dissing.
First, let’s talk history. Vin Diesel’s Riddick character debuted in the movie Pitch Black, which I was (un)fortunate enough to catch in the movie theaters, back when Diesel was a nobody with a barrel chest and a big voice. The gist of that movie? 40 space immigrants are stranded on a perpetually dark planet (their arrival occurs right at cusp of a month-long solar eclipse, how cool is that). Luckily, one of them is the convict Riddick, who guess what, can see in the dark. There are bad flying monsters lurking on this planet who have no trouble seeing in the dark either. The passengers start dying, ala just about every survival-horror/sci-fi you’ve ever seen, and Riddick takes control of the group in order to save them. At the end of the movie, 2 others survive. One of them is the girl Jack, who crosses over to the sequel rather handily.
Fast forward to 2004. Vin Diesel is a big name in dumbass action movies. His best angle involves looking menacingly at the camera over his right shoulder. David Twohy knows this, and exploits it just as often as he can in Chronicles. He even does variations, with camera dollies, zooms and high-framerate versions of essentially the same shot sprinkled throughout the movie.
The basic plot is, well, pretty fucking basic. You have a religious army conquering the universe and — stop the presses — Only One Man Can Stop Them. When you think about it, it’s pretty amazing how many movie conflicts are solved by Only One Man.
They’re called “necromongers,” which I suppose is better than “whoremongers” or “necrophiliacs,” but not by much. Their leader is called “Lord Marshall,” which I suppose … well, that could’ve definitely been better chosen. This is the first of many utterly unimaginative concepts that the movie throws at us, each one more insulting than the last. It tells you a lot about the filmmakers, i.e., these guys don’t know shit about science-fiction.
Illogical concepts abound. How the girl Jack (who has renamed herself Kiera, for no reason other than it fits her dangerous-vixen image better) manages to survive for years inside the predominantly male high-security prison is pretty significant, but this movie glosses over that conveniently. (Hell, if Ripley could do it, so could Jack, right? Right?) Also, the whole necromonger transformation process is never adequately explained. What happens when you convert? Do you become stronger? Do you lose free will? Do you become invulnerable? The movie alternates between “yes” and “no” for all three questions, and you never actually get a definite answer.
Avoid this one, at all costs. Or just rent the DVD when it comes out and watch it while you’re preparing lunch or something. It makes for adequate background noise, but not much else.