I was born at the cusp of the 80’s, a rather volatile time in history. My childhood consisted of a coup, a volcanic eruption and a level 7 earthquake. Abroad, there was the Gulf War and the grunge movement. But perhaps the most influential thing that I was subjected to as a child, wasn’t the wars or the natural disasters, but something a whole lot subtler:
The 80’s to early 90’s was when Disney was churning out some of its greatest movies — The Rescuers Down Under, The Great Mouse Detective, The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast. I watched them all, and I remember them all with startling clarity.
Now that I’m a little wiser though, I look back on all those old cartoons and realize …
… that Disney may have been trying to screw with our minds. Each cartoon was laden with weird morals and ridiculous messages. I’ve compiled a short list here from what I can remember, but perhaps you will be able to find other hidden innuendoes and subliminals in your own collection of Disney classics.
Snow White
Stepmothers are evil bitches.
Living with 7 dirty old men is ok.
It’s all right to be absolutely useless and do nothing all day long. Your prince will still come for you.
The Fox and the Hound
Be careful who you’re friends with when you’re young. You never know when they’ll suddenly pop up again asking for some huge-ass favor and justifying it by saying “We were friends years ago.”
Bambi
Naming a little boy skunk “Flower” is ok.
The Little Mermaid
If you really want something, go for it. Don’t listen to your father. He doesn’t know shit. Pawn your only fucking asset if you have to, because in the end, you _will_ get your man.
Beauty and the Beast
Manly men eat 4 dozen eggs every morning.
Even if you’re monstrously ugly, a girl may still be attracted to you for your wealth and/or large collection of unread hardbacks. You have to be _handsome_ for her to kiss you though.
Aladdin
Rubbing your lamp is fun.
Pocahontas
It only takes 5 minutes to be learn a new language.
Hunchback of Notre Dame
Ugly people don’t have friends.
No matter how kind and/or talented you may be, if you’re ugly, a handsome guy will come along and steal your girl away from you.
Hercules
No matter how much of a retarded clumsy oaf you are, if you’ve got rich parents, you’ll be a star.
Peter Pan
If you ever want to escape your boring, everyday life, all you have to do is think happy thoughts, and jump out the fucking window.