My greatest epiphanies always come to me while I’m taking a dump. Once, while I was taking a particularly long and sleep-inducing bowel movement, I came to understand the three basic, universal pleasures in life, which I will now relate to you, kind reader, in reverse order.
The third basic universal pleasure is Sex. Some people will tell you otherwise, and they are very likely either virgins or retards. Keep in mind that not all sex is good. Some of it, is great.
The second basic universal pleasure is Sleep. Many people will attest to the wonderful bliss of a good night’s rest, or a few winks in the middle of bad movie.
The first basic universal pleasure is the act of Defecation. You may argue that taking a crap is not pleasurable at all, yet few things can match up to finally being able to take a dump after holding it for three hours. You may even say that it is not, in fact, pleasure but a sort of relief, but what is pleasure, if not the absence of pain? Relief is simply the word we use because we are embarassed to admit the truth, dear friend. Finally there may be some people that argue that if sitting on the crapper was truly a pleasure, then certainly there would be addicts, much as there are nymphomaniacs and sleepaholics. To these few sad initiates, I say, don’t take a dump for as long as you can, and we will see if you are truly not addicted to it as you so foolishly claim.
Those, kind reader, are the three basic universal pleasures. I do not take credit for this work however; I am simply the messenger. I leave you now, with this short inspirational message that has aided me in many of my journeys of self-discovery …
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
flush the toilet
when you are thru